We have fabulous news to report about a beloved piece of American sports hardware that suffered through a very rough day on Wednesday.
The World Series trophy, property again of the Boston Red Sox, has been restored to full health.
The award, originally categorized as day-to-day by a Red Sox spokesman, was rushed to an unnamed craftsman after a beer can tossed by a fan at the Red Sox victory parade clipped off a few of pennants that circle it’s top.
This leads us to ask a Natural Light question: Who in the name of Dick Radatz would be dumb enough to throw a beer at a passing duck boat while Mookie Betts was holding the trophy?
We have the answer. The perpetrator’s name is Patrick Connolly. He is a 19-year-old from Sandwich, Mass., who apparently was skipping his Civics class at Bryant University.
At some point during the parade, a few geniuses in the throng decided they wanted to play catch with the Red Sox and their families as the caravan passed through the streets of downtown. With no baseballs available, they chose the item that was most in supply.
We do not know whether Connolly thought he was the cutoff man or not, but he wound up and fired the beer can which clipped the trophy as Betts was holding it. Betts’ mother and other family members were near him at the time.
Other cans hurled at the entourage struck a team photographer, the wife of Jason Varitek and the daughter of Red Sox manager Alex Cora. A spectator was clipped as well and had to go to the hospital for a couple of stitches.
Cora told reporters his daughter was fine.
“I’ve just got to be ready to make that play,” said Cora.
What’s there not to love about that guy? One year, one World Series championship and he has the comedic timing of Rodney Dangerfield.
The Boston police provided the following details: Said beer can, an opened can of Natural Light, hit Cora as his duck boat passed through an area around 500 Bolyston Street at about 11:40 a.m.
Connolly was quickly apprehended and charged with assault and battery by means of a dangerous weapon and disorderly conduct. He appeared in court on Wednesday.
The following was his statement to the arresting officers: “I love Cora, I didn’t mean to hit him.”
Sure, and Matt Barnes didn’t mean to hit Manny Machado, either.
Connolly was not the only dummy in the crowd. Five other fans were taken to the hoosegow.
New Hampshire’s Ben Carbonneau, 20, was charged with drinking in public. Nicholas San Antonio of Rhode Island, 19, was charged with being a minor in possession of alcohol. Aliza Hacking and Santina Vanesse, both 19 and from Boston, were charged with disturbing the peace.
And some 17-year-old from Somerville. Mass., is in a whole lot of trouble with his parents after being charged with unlawful possession of a firearm and possession with intent to distribute drugs.
On other boats along the parade route, Red Sox players such as Barnes, Craig Kimbrel and Eduardo Nunez actually caught beer cans slung their way. David Price snagged a nip-sized bottle of hooch.
Don’t you just love a parade!
“This definitely has to stop,” Betts told the Boston Globe.
Behavior such as this has become remarkably commonplace in the commonwealth over the years.
Do you remember the championship parade in 2017 for the New England Patriots? A few jamokes flung beer cans at them, too. Only this time, The Gronk and a few of his teammates caught them and drank them.
And earlier this season at Gillette Stadium, a Patriots fan wasted a perfectly fine cup of beer by dousing Kansas City Chiefs receiver Tyreek Hill after he scored a touchdown.
“I heard there were six people in my history class today. Everyone is here,” Max Colognesi, a 16-year-old from Chestnut Hill, Mass., told the Associated Press. “I have a lot of homework when I get back, but it’s worth it.”
Yeah, we guess it was.